Mary Cassatte (Mother and Child)
Dear, sweet friends,
I had another baby dream last night. I have them fairly regularly...I dream that I am either a new mother again or, as with last night, I have been gifted with a baby. I am always holding them, admiring them or lovingly talking with them. In these dreams I feel the great longing to have just one more, which of course I can't.
I always wanted four or five children of my own, but I married late in life, had a miscarriage and then my blessed two - one girl and one boy. Their lives set my own life on fire. Everything after their births seemed lit from within, even the years when I have experienced immense trials. I tried one last time to have a child in my early forties, but it didn't work out. I lost that pregnancy and with it, the hope that I would have more.
I have two precious baby friends right now, outside of my dreams - one is my little grand-niece Willow Kate and the other is the brand new son of my church friend, Cindy H. I love those two little souls. They are very beautiful.
Ooh, to hold a baby in one's arms. I am very thankful for my blessings, but sometimes how I long to do it all again - enormous belly, labor pains, no sleep. What a miracle it is.
My life before marriage and children was of a very high quality. I enjoyed my work, had lots of friends, so much to do, no money problems. I shopped designer clothes, attended premiers and events, saw the Bolshoi, the Kirov and Baryshnikov many times. I rubbed elbows with celebrities and had loads and loads of fun. Although I wanted marriage and children, I wasn't wasting away for what I didn't have. I knew I was blessed.
Then I married.
Looking back, I certainly miss my youth, but no longer the designer fashions. The premiers and cultural events were fun, but I'm okay without them. I definitely do not see celebrities in my current life and that's okay. My life after children is certainly smaller and confined by many challenges and sometimes severe financial struggles. But most days feel like a miracle, super-charged with love and tenderness. We have our moments, believe me. But all and all, my little family, as goofy and crazy as we all can be, feels as though there is a halo placed around us, not because of how good we are but because of how much we love each other. Many days have been burnt into my memory, because ... all because two dear children call me "Mama".